Surviving the teen years
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When you
consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not
only physically but also morally and intellectually, it's understandable
that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.
Despite some
adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic,
thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So,
although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen
years are also a time to help children grow into the distinct individuals
they will become.
Understanding
the Teen Years But it's
important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between
puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the
development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts,
menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are
certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children between
the ages of 10 and 14 (or even younger) can also be going through a bunch of
changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of
adolescence.
Many kids
announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around
their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become
more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how
others, especially their peers, see them and they're desperately trying to fit
in.
Kids often start
"trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of
how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and
conflict with parents.
Butting
Heads But the
primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to
occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents - especially the parent
whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to
have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their
parents in the same way they used to.
As teens mature,
they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral
code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing
to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves - and their
opinions - strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to
look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and
ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to
my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my
own?"
Tips for
Parenting During the Teen Years Educate
Yourself Talk
to Your Child Early Enough You
know your child. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about
sex or when attention to personal appearance is
increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:
Are
you noticing any changes in your body?
Are
you having any strange feelings?
Are
you sad sometimes and don't know why?
A
yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can
tell your preadolescent child - and you - what to expect in the next few years.
The exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion.
The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be
to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and
emotional changes.
Furthermore,
the earlier you open the lines of communication on these subjects, the better
chance you have of keeping them open throughout the teen years. Give your child
books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own
adolescence with your child. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went
through it, too, to put your child more at ease.
Put
Yourself in Your Child's Place Pick
Your Battles Maintain
Your Expectations Inform
Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself Know
your child's friends - and know your child's friends' parents. Regular
communication between the parents of adolescents can go a long way toward
creating a safe environment for all the children in a peer group. Parents can
help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel
that they're being watched.
Know
the Warning Signs Extreme
weight gain or loss
Sleep
problems
Rapid,
drastic changes in personality
Sudden
change in friends
Skipping
school continually
Falling
grades
Talk
or even jokes about
suicide
Signs
of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
Run-ins
with the law
Any
other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of
underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your child's
behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be
failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly
withdrawn. Your child's doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or
psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.
Respect
Your Child's Privacy In
other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also
shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all
times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where your child
is going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every
detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Monitor
What Your Child Sees and Reads Make
Appropriate Rules Will
This Ever Be Over? |